I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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