3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
