My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
