You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
