mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
