Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
