My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
