So drunk its hurt
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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