Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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