I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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