You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
