You can't motorboat a personality
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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