my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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