Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
