This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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