People with herpes should wear stickers.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
