so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
