Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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