I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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