I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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