I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
