Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You made out with two different species that night
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
