My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
