I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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