i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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