I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
