i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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