Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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