I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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