I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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