His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
