Me. At least after what I've been through.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize