Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You may now shotgun with the bride
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
