STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
