And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
How does it feel to date your dad?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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