Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You are the jesus of drinking
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
