so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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