Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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