I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
