The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
