i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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