I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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