I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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