I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
