when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Come on in and take your pants off
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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