Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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