Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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