I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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