just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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