I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
