you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
we should paint friendship bongs
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
