rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
