And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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