I can text with my tongue
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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