i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
