meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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